traces of a bored mind

20071101

tanjoubi no negau ~a birthday wish~

I am supposed to start anew
As now is the beginning of a new life for me
As the seconds tick to confirm my being
For the 24 years of life that I've been living

First of November
Is a day that I truly love
A day that I want to fulfil my desire
A day that I want to enjoy my time

But it's also a day that makes me the saddest
A day that tears will simply flow down
A day that none remembers
How important it is for me

It's sad
Because now I'm older
But life hasn't changed for the better
And it seems like I'm stucked here forever

I want to grow up and be like everyone else
But I can never have the chance until I die
Because the sickness is chained to me
As I had to bring it to my death

I hate it
I hate what it do to me
I hate what I had to go through with it
It made me cry all the time

I know that
But I still tried to get better
I tried to be a better person
With hopes for a better life

But it all just failed

Life failed me

God failed me

But I haven't given up

not just yet.

And now I'm 24
It's such a big number to me
A number that I thought can change me
And that's why I'm scared

I was always hoping that..
Once I turned 24, just look around.
And everything will smell good, look good, taste good.

But now that I turned 24,
And once I turned to see all around me
Nothing is anything for me to be proud of.

I wonder why...

Because I've worked hard
Really, really hard
And without failing myself with my limited capabilities
I still failed.. just because.

sigh.

I want to go on.
I want to be alive and useful.
I want to be good.
I want to live good.

...And I want to look good.

kirei ni naritai.
hontou ni naritai.
honki ni naritai.
sugoku ni naritai.

kirei ni naritai.
inside and out.

kanau ka?
kono chiisai no negai.
daijoubu ka na atashi?
kotoshi mo.....

kotoshi kara....

20071101 0255
(a day and time when I was born, 24 years ago, in 1983)

How I wish to go back in time and fix everything.

-iciviuja

20071023

Nakagawa Shoko

Nakagawa Shoko @ Shokotan
5th May, 1985
Japanese Pop Idol / anime otaku
English Wiki

Nakagawa Shoko

20071022

Nakagawa Shoko

20070929

I Wonder Why

I'm a dreamer
I've been dreaming the whole of my life
But I haven't got anything good back in return
I wonder why.

I've gave as much I could in this life
But I'm still stuck here
With nothing in both of my hands
I wonder why.

I have rich imaginations
A pleasant view from my sorrowed heart
But a sudden struck of reality always turned it to dust
I wonder why.

I've created my own way of life
A path that be chosen by my own will
But the end of the road brings me back to my past
I wonder why.

I've always tried to reach high in everything that I do
And I always got the chance to grab them all
But only for a moment and the time slips fast
I wonder why.

My fate is cruel
And I've tried my hardest to make it better
But God failed me
I wonder why.

They said that destiny can be changed
I've tried to change mine
But life failed me
I wonder why.

I don't know why I'm like this
I don't know what am I paying for
But I continue living this dreadful life
I wonder why.

Life is full of mysteries, they say
And pain always has reasons behind it
I still can't figure out why but I endure it
I wonder why.

Silent screams pinned me in melancholic reality
Lies are such desirable pleasures because truth hurts
Though I refused to use them for my own need
I wonder why.

Tears never know how to stop dripping
And revenge chained my soul
But I still keep everything inside
I wonder why.

I don't bother anyone with my world
I only showed them what I felt through my words
Silently gritting everything away
I wonder why.

I can't find the meaning of my life
I don't know how am I useful for my existency
But I'm still searching for it even for so long now
I wonder why.

I'm tired of it all
The life, the fates and destiny
But I'm still alive
I wonder why.

200709282331~2359